Little Secret's & Big Wonders
by SISbabyy
Summary: And even though they are broken up, they still can’t help but think of all the things that no one knows, the secret’s they kept from each other, and all of the little things that were never said. BL


A Lucas and Brooke one-shot.

"Little Secret's & Big Wonders"

Summary: And even though they are broken up, they still can't help but think of all the things that no one knows, the secret's they kept from each other, and all of the little things that were never said.

_And I never thought I'd feel this safe again  
In a million years  
And lying next to you, and hoping that it's true  
And with you I'm truly in my element, my element with you  
And with you I'm truly in my element, my element with you_

It's been over a couple months now, that he has found someone new. Someone that he had pined for in the beginning, but lost for a little while. She admitted how she really felt about him and a day later, they were together. No questions asked just another one of his speeches said and that was that. They were officially together. He was happy you could say, or just content. Which ever he preferred for the day. But even though they were together, he couldn't help but think of the girl who he truly lost himself in.

She was beautiful, funny, sexy, smart, and contagious. He says 'contagious' because he couldn't get enough of her and he could never turn her down. She was always on his mind whether he wanted her there or not. She was captivating, and she made him feel like he was on top of the world, and like he was just dirt on the ground. Either way, she was his first love and he was hers. And now that they aren't together, he feels lost, and ashamed. Ashamed because of the way he treated her at times, and ashamed of the way he hurt her, but especially ashamed because of all the things he never told her.

Like he never told her that every night while they were dating he would go to sleep wondering how he ever got someone like her. Or that he knew that he was getting himself into a wild, adventurous, and fun ride with Brooke Davis, but he didn't care. The truth was, when he was with her it was the only time he was who he wanted to be. But that was never said either. He would see her now in the hallways and all he wanted to say was:

"I wish we were closer."

But all that leaves his mouth is a little 'Hello' or 'How are you?" He regrets it of course, but then again he has never said the sweet nothings that enter his mind every time he sees her. He can't, and he doesn't because he thinks that if he does, then she will be chased away.

And even though she only responds back with a 'Hi' or 'I'm good how are you and Peyton doing?' what she really means is:

"I miss you."

He knows it, and it pains him to see her that way but it's how it has to be because he doesn't want to hurt her or himself anymore. He won't.

So he walks around school with his new girlfriend dodges glances from other people who are still wondering what happened between them. Everyone knew about what happened the first time they were together and he always felt uncomfortable about it. But now, now he didn't care. He felt like he was being pulled away so far that nothing even mattered anymore. He had his friends and family and his girlfriend but he was still missing something. He knew what, he just didn't want to admit it to himself or anyone else.

And that's how the days would go. He would still go to sleep at night wondering if he should have said more then a lousy 'I'm sorry' when she broke up with him. And then he wonders that if he let go of his fears and let her in that maybe, just maybe they would still be together right now and he would be falling asleep with her in his arms at this moment.

He sees a basketball sitting on the ledge in his room and remembers his first game. He was so nervous at the time because it was his time to really shine and to let his jerk of a brother at the time know he was more then just a river court player. He wanted to be oh so much more then that. And when he walked into that gym the first thing he saw was a bright brunette smiling and talking to the blonde that he had been pining for the past few days. While he was playing the game every time he made a shot he would see her face light up and cheer louder. He wanted to give her something to cheer for so he tried a little bit harder and focused a little bit more. He got some baskets that night and was proud of all of it; especially how proud he made the sparkling brunette smile throughout the whole game. He then realized that he wasn't just a kid who played at the river court and he wouldn't have figured that out if he hadn't seen the same beautiful brunette in the backseat of his car. He didn't show it at the time, but he was so happy to see her sitting there, interested in _him_. And then she started talking and he was immediately drawn to her sexy, raspy voice and wanted to know more about her. She told him something that still stuck in his mind to this day "How many times can you say in your life that this is when it all changed?" Of course, he never told her any of this either.

He remembers their first date and realizes that he never told her anything about how he felt that day, or the days following after. He doesn't tell her that he missed her after the hours they spent together or that he rented the movie 'Weird Science' just because he wanted to watch it with _her_ the next day and the days after. In fact, he was so interested in what she liked that he wanted to have a movie night with her every week just to spend time with her, to get to know her. He loved how she called squirrels 'squellers' because the truth was, he called them that too. Not until the fourth grade, but when he was younger he did. When he came home with the tattoo flashing on his arm and Keith caught him, he wasn't scared or ashamed or having any regrets. He felt like he was alive and that it was the best night of his life. He wanted it, craved it, and loved it. He wanted more of her and more of her fun.

But guess what? He never told her any of that either. He figured that after Keith died it didn't really matter what she knew anymore because he felt like they weren't meant to be. He never wanted to tell her that because he knew she would think he didn't love her anymore. And it wasn't that he didn't love her anymore because if he told her that it would be the biggest lie he ever told, but it was just that for the first time in a long time he was noticing how different they were. When Keith was around he was the only one that gave him direction and told him that it didn't matter if you had the same taste in music or the same life experiences, all that mattered was that you loved each other. He remembered a talk that he had with Keith while he was dating Brooke, before the school shooting.

_Flashback_

_"Hey Keith." Lucas said as he walked through his kitchen door. He saw Keith's car parked out front and knew that Keith and his mom had a date tonight. They had gotten together not long ago, maybe a week or so but he loved hearing about it._

_"Hey Luke, where were you? Hot date?"_

_"Actually yeah, with Brooke." He replied._

_"Ooh sounds fun." Keith said. He truly liked Brooke and knew that Lucas loved her too._

_"It was." Lucas said._

_"I hear hesitation in your voice. What is it Luke?" Keith asked._

_"It's just, I don't know I just feel like sometimes we really are different and that since we are we might not make it." Lucas said._

_Keith laughed._

_"Not a time to be laughing Keith I was being serious!" Lucas exclaimed._

_"Sorry, its just…Luke that's what makes relationship's so special. You're both so unique and loving that it's why you two are great together. You don't want someone who likes the same things you do Lucas." Keith said and shook his head._

_"Why not?" Lucas asked confused. He always figured that if someone shared the same interests as you, then you were a perfect match for each other._

_"Because then there's no fun in the relationship. There's no fighting, no decision-making, no nothing. It's good when you are friends but for a relationship, there needs to be more to it." Keith explained._

_Lucas nodded. "I see your point Keith, I just hope you're right with it."_

_"I am Luke, trust me." He said. Before Lucas could say anything more, Karen walked out and was ready for the date._

_"You look beautiful Karen, as always." Keith said._

_"You look great, Mom." Lucas said and hugged her before she was on her way._

_They were walking out the door and just before it shut, Keith's head peaked in and said:_

_"Just think about it, okay?"_

_And then he was gone._

_End of Flashback_

And truth be told, he did think about it. And the more he thought about it the more it made sense. It didn't matter that they didn't agree on some things, all that mattered was that they were happy with each other and that they were in love. Two things that they definitely shared with each other. But he went and ruined it, after Keith's death he lost that knowledge.

But even now he still lies in bed thinking about his relationship with her and how if he could, he would go back in time and fix how he cheated on her. He wishes that he could have also told her about the box that he had of her with all of their memories like the red feather that he kept from her Halloween costume or pictures of them together just waiting to be freed. But he couldn't show her now; he was with someone else. So he keeps it locked away in a safe place where no one can see it and whenever he thinks about all these things; can go back to it and cherish all the memories that are seeping through the box and invading his head. And so he still sits and goes through it, cracking smiles whenever he thinks of the things that they did together and tries to forget the way that things are, and to live in the past for a while.

* * *

She's known it from the beginning too that getting her heart involved with a guy was a bad idea but she did it anyways because she wanted to experience love. Boy did she experience it alright. She doesn't regret it like she used to. Yes, she used to regret loving Lucas after he'd broken her heart a couple of times. Of course, that thought only lasted for about three seconds to which her heart jumped in and protested. She couldn't escape it. It was like when she was telling her head to believe one thing, her heart would speak up and bash it.

She wished she could get away from it. 'From what?' her ex-boyfriend asked her when she told him she wanted to be saved. To be honest, she didn't want to tell him that she still had insecurities about him or that she wasn't sure they would last much longer because she still thought he was in love with Peyton. Because if she did it would mean more hurting and she definitely didn't want that to happen anymore. So she kept it in, like many of the other things.

She never told him that she loved him the first time she saw him or that when she was in the back seat of his car she knew that he was the one for her. She never told anyone that because she knew they would never believe her. They would all think that she was just a slut at the time and all she wanted was to get in his pants. Oh how wrong they were though. Even though at the time, a part of her really did want him just physically, another part of her, a new part of her wanted his heart for herself. She pushed it aside though and acted flirty and easy just so he would pay attention to her. She later found out that he wasn't that type of guy.

She didn't really know why she never told him that, she figured just because there never really was a right time for it. But now she really regrets it because she knows that even though Lucas closed up on her big time, she hadn't been completely honest with him either. Just like right now she misses the big strong arms around her waist, and she misses his scent of after shave in the morning when he would spend the night with her, or that she still loved those deep blue eyes and blonde hair even though he needed a serious haircut. All she wanted was love, and she got it, and then lost it so she guessed that she was always meant to love and then lose it.

She was surprised when they were standing in the pouring rain and Lucas said that she missed her parents but she'd never admit it, because he was right. She always thought that he didn't get her, or read her, but he knew her all along. He was so right, with everything that he said. She did miss her parents, a lot and she knew that they were never really going to come back; they didn't care that much about her. She also knew that she hated being alone which was something that Lucas knew, but didn't understand.

Lucas was surrounded by people that loved and adored him. She was never exposed to any of that and so she wondered if she was just not built for it. She never told him that because all she would get was assuring words like 'I'm always going to be here for you.' or 'Don't ever think you'll lose me.' She was tired of those words and the more she heard them the less she believed them.

She never told him that she kept a book of all of their memories together. She had at least four scrapbooks, two diaries, five collages, and one big book of everything. Special moments, fun times, heartbreaking scenarios, and tragedies. She looked through all of it the night they decided to be friends. She remembered staying up until 3 A.M. just looking at all of it, amazed at how special what they had really was. She sometimes laughed, sometimes cried, and sometimes smiled. She could remember everything that happened between them, including the time and place. She had a coaster from the bar their first date was at, a 'Weird Science' poster, quotes from Keimoo, and the 'A Winter of Our Discontent' book that he gave her. She kept everything. And when Rachel saw her that night, she didn't deny what she was feeling.

_Flashback_

_Rachel woke up, hearing things being shifted around. She saw a light on in the guestroom and walked in. She saw Brooke sitting on the floor with pictures, books, posters, and souvenirs from her and Lucas' relationship on it too._

_"Brooke, is there any reason why you are doing this at 3 A.M.?" Rachel asked annoyed that she was woken up._

_"Lucas and I decided to be friends tonight so I was just looking at all of our memories together. We just have so many."_

_"You do, which is what made your relationship special. But I think you should come to bed now…"_

_"No Rachel, I just…I need to see all of these things tonight."_

_"Why?" Rachel asked._

_"Because now everything won' t be the same ever again." Brooke said sadly._

_Rachel didn't understand. "Brooke, what are you talking about?"_

_"Lucas is going to be with Peyton now and so I'm just spending one last night remembering everything that we went through together."_

_"Oh." Rachel said finally understanding. "So what are you going to do with it now?"_

_"Either burn it, throw it away, or lock it up somewhere." Brooke said._

_Rachel laughed. "Want some help?"_

_"Later." Brooke said and smiled to let Rachel know she was going to be okay, even though she didn't know that for herself. "Right now, all I want to do is live in memories."_

_Rachel nodded and decided to leave her alone. Everyone is entitled to their own night of grieving or like Brooke said 'living in a memory'. So she left the room silently and after that Brooke never went back to that box, not daring to see what other memories could be brought back from it._

_End of Flashback_

Brooke remembered that after that night, she had no intention of going back through it. It was like her last time looking at her and Lucas as more then friends. It was the last time that she was going to be fooled around like that, and it was the last time she was going to cry over him. She let tears fall while looking at the box that was filling up with memories or times when it was just she and Lucas. She didn't mind crying then, she wanted it all out. She just had a problem when Lucas and Peyton really started dating.

Whenever they would see each other in the hallway it wasn't a warm 'Hello'. It was an awkward one. And whenever Lucas said 'Hello' all she wanted to do was say:

"Let's make a new memory."

But she didn't tell him that and she didn't tell him about the box. It turns out that the box played a big part in her process of getting over him. She turned to the box for comfort when she couldn't have him and she also turned to it when he disgusted her, which was most of the time now because he was with her. She wanted the box to just stay with her for a little white, just until the hurt went away.

'I'll get rid of it soon, I promise. I just need it a little while longer.'

Were the words that she constantly repeated in her head. Was it only going to be a little while longer? Or was it going to be forever? Was she seriously going to be hung up on Lucas Scott for the rest of her life? And if so, would that mean that she was never going to love again? That scared her the most, not being able to love again. She didn't like it and she didn't want it. She wanted to love and have a big family with a white picket fence and laughing filtering throughout the house. But now she was thinking that she was going to have what her mother wanted her to have: a rich man with lots of money and no love in a relationship.

It was almost like she was numb and she didn't know how to feel again. She was aching for it, she was aching for a release but she never got it. And that's when the regrets started rolling in.

But since the regret's didn't last long, she had no reason be angry with him. He was just a confused boy with too big of a heart. She wanted to strangle him sometimes because she thought he was deliberately trying to kill her or break her into tiny little pieces. But in all honesty, that wasn't what he was trying to do. He was trying to get her to stop hurting but he didn't want to hurt anyone else so he still hung out with the girl that he cheated with. Her best friend. And even though she always had that insecurity of them two being together again, she had a new insecurity, that maybe they were just too different. Maybe things didn't work out because she didn't like that punky music or because she didn't always need saving, or just because she didn't have that deep connection with him.

She would always go to bed thinking about the good times they had that day but they would sometimes be followed by the problems that were all just in her head.

So now she is trying to get over him and to burn the box that she has been looking at for the past three months. She's still trying to convince herself that she's slowly getting over him and that the box is her support system. Something that will finally set her free. Even though, she knows that she will just be living in a memory.

But what they both don't know is that they are both still pining for each other now even though they are involved with other people.

They don't know that they both have boxes that are supposedly going to help 'get over' their relationship and their love.

They don't know all the tiny secrets and thoughts that were running through each other's heads, and are still circling their minds at this very moment.

They don't know that in fact they have both gone through similar experiences. It's not that they have the things in common, but they do relate to each other for they have both lost people that they love. Brooke lost her parents and Lucas lost Keith.

But what they really don't know is that it's already written in the stars. And even though right now they aren't together, their fate is just waiting for them to wake up and realize that it's been there all along.

And then maybe, just maybe, their little thoughts and secrets will be exposed and once and for all, every bad thing will be let go, and every insecurity will be erased.

_And I'm tossing and turning, the candlelight's burning  
And this is all we need, and this is all we need  
And I'm tossing and turning the candlelight's burning  
This is all we need, this is all we need tonight, yeah yeah  
Tonight, yeah yeah_

**Caterpillars-The Spill Canvas**

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